PERMISSION TO SHARE MY WORDS AS THEY ARE

January 1, 2019

I am this body, this personality that is whole, i have presence. I can be strong or invisible. I am a pulsating organism that can speak, not speak, breath quietly or loudly. I am looking out from this space called my body, I watch with awe what is happening around me, I am here to create, be something, even if I choose not to, it is impossible for me to be invisible or silent. I am alive and the condition of being alive is to create something.

I am young, my body wants to run, I can feel my legs, my heart starts to race, I giggle, this is life, this is what life is like. I want more giggle, I want more of that feeling, my hands want to touch and feel everything, my eyes going from focus to exploration, I just want to play some more.

I am now 46 a grown women and mother of 3, I still feel those feelings deep down in the abyss of layers inside of myself almost unreachable. They are covered with all that I have created from those very first moments of life. Every decision I have ever made, good or bad, they are there.

I have learnt to go numb with life and spark up when I am really on, I have another argument with the man I have chosen to be with in my life and I watch like an an outsider wondering how I ever got in this situation, memories pop up of the exact same feeling with a different person. I make a condition or a rule deep in my layers that I will never allow this to happen again and deep down I know that it will.

So what will I do, I will share my words, I will write them my way, those who can read and understand them will understand me, those who don't won't and that is ok. I have come of an age where I no longer want to go outside of myself to help someone better understand me, if someone wants to understand me underneath the surface they will make an effort to.

I understand now that my grammar or words may not be correct, that my interpretation or understanding of things is guaranteed to be different from another... I will continue to write and share, one day I hope to be the greatest love of my life and no longer seek acceptance from outside of myself.